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Original Message from ODD Office - Part 1

Follow some selected email outakes from the ODD Office starring Tomm and his tie.

 

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 09:47
To: qsagteam@oddoffice.com
Cc: maureen@oddoffice.com; darryl@oddoffice.com
Subject: Welcome aboard

Dear Quality and Satisfaction Assurance Group Team (QSAG),

Good morning!!!

As the re-structuring of our divisions has now been completed, it is my duty to welcome all of you into our little team. While we may be small, we have an important job to do. If you doubt that so few of us can achieve the lofty and worthwhile goals that our visionary Head of Division, Maureen, promised to the Board of Directors, then just think back to our retreat last Friday about the song we learned where that ant moved the yuca tree plant. Thinking back to our singing this while holding hands in a circle ranks among one of the high points of my career with ODD Office - as I'm sure it does with all of you, too!!

I will be coming around later this morning to see that everyone has settled into their new workspaces and I would also like to welcome Darryl from MIS as an honorary QSAG Team member as well.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: jill@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:14
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm, it was a rubber tree. //Jill

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:16
To: jill@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Jill,

What was a rubber tree?

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: darryl@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:16
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: Welcome aboard

Tom,
Sounds like I missed a real winner of a meeting. I just wanted to let you know a couple things:

First that the song to which you you refered is about ant interacting with a rubber tree plant - not a yucca, which is spelled with 2 c's. As your grasp of decorative indoor fauna is obviously lacking, I shall let this slide with a mere warning.

Second is about an ant having high hopes of moving a rubber tree plant and the song clearly states that, "Anyone knows an ant can't move a rubber tree plant" and that he's got, "He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes." Is this what QSAQ bases it's future on? If so, I would appreciate your requesting another person from MIS as support since I foresee that with this new group of yours, "A problem's just a toy balloon - They'll be bursting soon - They're just bound to go POP!"
Darryl

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:36
To: Darryl@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Darryl (note that I spelled your name correctly),

I am a bit hurt by your comments. Colleagues have often commented to me about my fine decorating job in my office as well as in my cubicle workspace before that. I will as respond about the song. First, rubber, yuca, palm, it doesn't matter ... the point is that there was a big task and he was up for the challenge. May I quote: Oops there goes another rubber tree, Oops there goes another rubber tree, Oops there goes another rubber tree plant. The ant must have moved them or else where did they go?

Finally it's QSAG and short for : Quality and Satisfaction Assurance Group Team

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm (note that this is the correct spelling of my name)

-----Original Message-----
From: alex@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:42
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm,
I don't think it was a yucca tree plant in that stupid song, but a rubber tree plant.
Also, can you explain to us why we are all required to closer to your office rather than you moving your single office closer to where the rest of us were before.
Alex

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 10:42
To: alex@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Alex,

I have been informed about the rubber tree, but there was another point that I was hoping people would pay more attention to.

As to the issue of moving, I will have to look into the issue and I can assure you that I will go to bat for you. I will see you when I come around later.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: darryl@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 11:03
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Tom,
A number of possibilities: 1). they fell on the ant; 2). deforestation; 3). global warming; 4) weapons of mass destruction . . . the list goes on.
How about that request for new MIS support?
D

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 11:09
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm,
A couple things first off. I need you to attend the HRMTCSG Meeting on my behalf tomorrow morning. I have too much to do and it is basically filling a chair so don't worry about it. Also, I will need an update on how your staff have settled in on their move to be near your office. I am still surprised that they wanted to move from where they were located by the windows with all of you in a section of team cubicles to be over in your windowless area with only that tiny port hole you call a window in your office. I will also need last months report that you were unable to print last Thursday due to your computer crashing.
Best,
Maureen
P.S. wasn't it a rubber tree?

-----Original Message-----
From: jill@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 11:10
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

That song was about an ant and a rubber tree. Not an ant and a yucca tree //Jill

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 11:12
To: jill@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

I KNOW ALREADY!!! Forget the stupid ant.

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 11:29
To: maureen@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Maureen,

I would be privileged to attend the HRMTCSG Meeting on my behalf tomorrow morning. Also the move seems to be going well and I am going to check in on them this afternoon. And if they need to look out a window, I will leave my door open and they can use it if they want. I'm much too busy with work to use my window much anyway.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm
P.S.S. Yes it was a rubber tree, it was simply a typo

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 12:48
To: jill@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Jill,

As I promised in the lunchroom, I am writing this apology to with regard to my ”agressive” email this morning. This was a mistake on my part and I do apologize.

I hope that with this heartfelt apology from me and a calmer head on you that you will soon respond that you will pay to have my tie cleaned. I have done some checking since cleaning myself off and coming back to my office. I have a list of three different drycleaners that are located in your section of town that could probably handle the job. What you may want to do is do the same thing to three of your husband's ties (it's probably easier if they're not being worn at the time) and take one each to each of the respective dry cleaners I have so graciously listed for you. This way you can be assured that mine does not get ruined. I do hope it can be cleaned since I am rather fond of it since it is my only real power tie, besides the fish tie, of course. Senior Management always laugh when I go to meetings with it on and it is such a unique icebreaker that it is also a power tie. I say this because if you ever get mad at me again and I am wearing the fish tie, please do not do to it what you did to this one.

To conclude, I'm sorry.
Tomm

P.S. If you want to get a head start before you respond to my email I have put my tie and a map listing the locations of the dry cleaners in your pigeon hole. You're welcome!!

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 13:18
To: sherry@oddoffice.com
Subject: I'm busy

Sherry,

I know that I have an “open door” policy with my staff but could you have at least given me some warning before just watching Jill come into my office and doing what she did again to my tie. I fear that it is now beyond cleaning and may have to be replaced. In the meantime, I will need to borrow your staple remover, an eraser and whatever you think will remove what looks to be whiteout and magic marker from silk.

FYI, I will be busy for the next hour or so, so please tell any callers or visitors that I am in a meeting or doing something else besides cleaning my tie.

Thanks,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 13:18
To: trevor@oddoffice.com
Subject: assistance

Dear Trevor,
I need a little man to man assistance here with a few spots on my silk power tie. Do you know what may help since I am pretty certain it will not be dry cleaned (long story).
Thanks,
Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: trevor@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 13:25
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: assistance

tomm, not sure, but i think my wife did something one time with a rug stain with red wine or orange juice and peanut butter. check up at the executive kitchen for some wine (you can get me a glass, too. hehehe) and i'm sure somebody has some peanut butter in the fridge. good luck, trevor

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 13:32
To: trevor@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: assistance

Dear Trevor,

You may be on to something since I typed “stains peanut butter red wine orange juice” a web search and had 776 hits. That works for me since I can't think of many things in which those would come up unless for stains. I mean, who would have a webpage about what peanut butter (creamy or crunchy) goes with a 1974 Beajolaise?

Thanks,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 13:54
To: trevor@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: assistance

Dear Trevor,
I just got back from my recon and I am certain you are right about the peanut butter and orange juice since I found a jar of each in the fridge down by the mailroom. Both were labeled “EMERGENCY” and that is what this is so I will test it out. Jerry was a real jerk up in the executive kitchen. At first he refused to uncork a bottle of red wine for me and then when he did he started to fume over how little I wanted and then actually expected me to pay for it. I refused, of course since it was work-related and going to be used for cleaning purposes. He made a scene all the way down the hall until I slammed the door on him at the steps (I could not stand waiting for the elevator with his ceaseless barrage of insults).

Anyway, I have the tie soaking in the orange red wine peanut butter mixture (I drank the orange juice already). I am also liberally applying the mixture to some of the hard-to-get spot on my carpet since everything sticks out on this white stuff and people refuse to clean their feet on the door mat I have placed at the entrance. I will let you know the results and my tie thanks you for the help.

Could you ask you wife how long I need to let this mixture sit. I'll let you know the results and my tie and carpet thank you.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 14:36
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm,
I just tried to call you but your secretary said you were too busy doing something else besides cleaning your tie. Anyway, I hope that something is the late report you didn't mention it in your last email. I will need it ASAP.
Maureen

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 14:43
To: maureen@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Maureen,

I gather that by Sherry saying something along the lines that I was doing something besides cleaning my tie is some new expression that the gen Xers use with someone that tries to look good and professional at work. I was doing just that, but not cleaning my tie - although I do have them cleaned regularly, of course. I have been trying to get my report up all day, but I am afraid it was erased from the hard drive at some point during my ups and downs last week. I can have it for you first thing tomorrow.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 14:50
To: sherry@oddoffice.com
Subject: DUH!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE!!! Are you trying to get me fired? You don't tell people that I'm not cleaning my tie!!! That's as bad as saying that I am cleaning my tie!!! No, it's worse since it infers that I spend my work day cleaning my tie and on that rare occasion when my boss calls and you don't put her through just happens to be that one point in my busy day of tie cleaning that I have something else more important to do than clean my tie.

-----Original Message-----
From: sherry@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:02
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: DUH!!!!!!!!!!

Your last message confuses me a bit. So should I say that you are cleaning your tie since it's not as bad as saying you are not cleaning you tie?

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:04
To: sherry@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: DUH!!!!!!!!!!

Just say that I am in a meeting. That's all!!

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:16
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm,
That is unacceptable. I have been waiting on that report since last Thursday. What's more, when I came out of a meeting up in the executive restaurant I was accosted by Jerry in front of my colleagues about you coming up in the middle of the workday to steal wine to clean with. What is this all about? You will solve all of these outstanding issues before the close business today and assure me that I will never be embarrassed in front of my senior colleagues again for some lunatic action of yours!
Is this clear?
Maureen

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:22
To: maureen@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Maureen,
It is very clear and completely understandable. If you are one quarter as angry at my computer as I am then I feel your pain. As for Jerry, it was a misunderstanding. I came back to get my wallet (I don't carry it on me since my chiropractor says that it bends my spine and could rupture a disk) to pay him and I started to clean my carpet in my office since I have heard that red wine does wonder for rugs and carpets. Anyhoo, I will go up now and pay Jerry, unless you agree that the stain in my carpet was work-related and then I will charge it to our budget.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:43
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

No one is charging a half glass of wine to our budget especially if you have seriously used it on your carpet. We will need that money to bring in the carpet cleaners because of your action!! Where is the report?
M

-----Original Message-----
From: trevor@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:46
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: assistance

tomm, just spoke with the wife and I had it wrong. She confused me about what cleans what, but you can call her if really want to know. where's my glass of wine, by the way? - hehehe

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 15:55
To: trevor@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: assistance

Dear Trevor,

I was beginning to think that. And the red wine is spreading across the carpet no matter how hard I rub it. The tie doesn't look too bad, though since it is now died all the same color and the places where I can't peanut butter off add sort of a 3D effect if you look at it in just the right light at the proper angle.

Anyway, I can ask the carpet cleaners about my tie when they come since they have those machines and stuff.

Thanks anyway,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 16:05
To: qsagteam@oddoffice.com
Subject: A successful first day for the QSAG Team

Dear Quality and Satisfaction Assurance Group Team (QSAG),

Good afternoon!!!

I assume that everything worked like clockwork today. I know that I didn't make it around to visit all of you today like I had written earlier, but there's always tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, I will be representing our QSAG team tomorrow morning on behalf of Maureen at a very important HRMTCSG Meeting. I will be leaving for home a bit early so that I may prepare for it.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: tomm@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 16:05
To: maureen@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Dear Maureen,

I shall arrange to have the carpet cleaners come soon since I presume that your last message authorized that expenditure. As for the report, I just remembered that I may have a backup copy on a disk at home. I will leave now and bring it in earlier than you arrive tomorrow. Since if I stayed here and re-typed the report, I would be here well after you went home and you wouldn't see it any way.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 16:18
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome aboard

Tomm,
That is unacceptable. Close of business means close of business. I expect to see that report soon.
M

-----Original Message-----
From: maureen@oddoffice.com
Sent: October 13, 2003 16:18
To: tomm@oddoffice.com
Subject: out of office reply

Dear Email sender,

I, Tomm, am unable to read and respond to your email message do to my being out of the office at the very moment you sent your message. I do however value your input and will personally guarantee that your email will be the first thing I do when arrive at the office next.

Yours in quality and satisfaction,

Tomm

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